My first mission!!!

eddonedfieldLeave a comment

My name is Robin, and I’m the latest and greatest superhero! Let me tell you a bit about my origin story.

Life wasn’t easy growing up. My parents were basically big jerks. For some reason they shunned my older (and only) brother, Magnus! They made him act as a garden gnome! So basically, I didn’t have anyone to look up to. This led me to a life of petty crime. I’m not exactly proud of this, but I did what I had to do. So one day, this strange cowboy character parks his horse at this building called Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated and goes inside. I think it’s a pharmaceutical company, idk. While he was inside, I decided to steal his horse so I could sell it for some cash. I started untying the rope. But let me tell ya, this guy knows how to tie a knot! I almost had it when Mr. Cowboy walked back out and saw what I was doing. I noticed a pistol at his hip. Now I was scared for my life. But the cowboy didn’t harm me. He told me to back away from his horse and introduced himself as Flint Radaghast.

No. Way! The legendary quick-drawing wizard! Naturally, I apologized my ass off. He accepted my apology and offered to show me a better life than thievery. I accepted his offer, and he dubbed me his sidekick! After a bit of preliminary training, he told me the best way to learn is to just get out there and give it a shot!

So here I am, on my very first mission with Flint, voice recording this post. Some jerk is robbing the bank with a machine gun! This is totally awesome! We’re gonna kick his butt! Uh-oh. I think my voice recording may have tipped off our position! He’s pointing that machine gun at me. But little does he know that Flint has a totally wicked magical bullet bound with a disarming spell! Flint whips out his pistol faster than lightning and BLAM! For some reason, this lady’s service dog just started speaking English. Wait a minute, that gun didn’t disappear like it was supposed to, and it’s pointed at me, and–

The dumb ending

chrisdangrepatrick1 Comment

My head was aching so bad that I couldn’t fight. I thought since my words didn’t work on Gertrude, I thought it would for sure work on Steve. I started to insult him. I wanted him to feel down and weak. Gertrude surprisingly joined me. We just started roasting him. He just took it all and didn’t talk back. He looked hurt and in pain. The plan was going well. Until that rat Gertrude switched up on her plans and joined Steve. I was shocked. This was not how things were supposed to go. I was supposed to get that sword. This wasn’t going to work, so I ran off. The sword was highly secured and I wasn’t going to get chased by two people with a heavy item in my hands. Plus my buddies were nowhere to be found. I was furious. Someone got in my way once again. I later found out that my buddies went to the wrong station. They are idiots. I also found out that Gertrude and Steve fell in love. What losers they are. Now I’m gonna have to come up with a new plan and hopefully those two won’t get in my way again. 

The twist

chrisdangrepatrickLeave a comment

 Gertrude was falling into my trap. I was going to do my final move when all of a sudden she ran off. I was shocked that it took me a minute to go after her. She is lucky she is strong because she kept me off of her the whole chase there. Steve almost got in the way but Steve isn’t as strong as he thinks. I saw Gertrude almost getting the sword. Where were my buddies? What happened to them? I was going to throw my knife at her right as I got knocked out. I woke up to the sound of people cheering. My head was aching and I was confused.

The problem

chrisdangrepatrick2 Comments

 I was so sure today was going to be the day I was going to get that damn Golden sword. I put all my time into this plan. But of course there was someone going to get the golden sword. You see, when I’m mad I AM MAD. I don’t care what I ruin. I will do anything to destroy whoever is in my way. There is only one problem, the person I have crossed paths with is Gertrude. Gertrude and I don’t have a good history. She is the only threat who has the potential to beat me. She is the most hated criminal not because she is a good criminal but because she is simply stupid. The only thing smart about her is her muscles. She is powerful if she puts her mind to it. That is why she is my top threat. I just have to simply outsmart her. So of course I try to distract her by trash talking her. It is easy to ruin her with words first so it can weaken her a little bit. I notice she is alone so I decide I’ll fight her to let my buddies pass by and potentially grab the sword. Our battle is going back and forth. Until Steve showed up. Of course he shows up. He really tried to talk us into being friends but no, I want that sword.

Rage Pepe The Frog Video Game Kill For You /pol/, PNG, 900x900px ...

Gertrude Turns Good

Ludi Littleland2 Comments

After seeing Steve get credit for almost killing me, Jacky Jane and I shot up and started yelling at Steve saying things like he’s absolutely revolting, skinny and lanky, he’s got yellow teeth (not like mine are any better), and that he’s not fit to be a hero and save people. But then it hit me. The pain I saw in Steve’s eyes as we were calling him names reminded me of when I was a young girl and the girls down the street picked on me every day. I realized that Steve wasn’t a loser, I was! I didn’t need to destroy everyone that crossed my path, and I didn’t even need to be evil. My mother raised me better than that. So I decided to pull a quick one on Jacky Jane and join Steve’s side to prevent her from getting the sword. Us two paired together made us seem too intimidating for Jacky Jane and she ran off. Steve and I realized how good of a team we make, and I realized I really didn’t mean all the things I said about him. We ended up falling in love and are known as the city’s power couple, just like in the movies.

Gertrude Reaches the Golden Sword

Ludi LittlelandLeave a comment

As Jacky Jane and I were attempting to destroy each other, I noticed that time was ticking and I needed to get to the sword as soon as possible. So as Jacky Jane was in the middle of grabbing another weapon to use against me, I bolted. I ran and ran as fast as I could, and she followed. Steve also tried following us to break up the fight but we are just too strong for him. Finally, I reached the last step before the sword, and as I’m about to reach for it, Steve attempts to prevent us from getting it by throwing a brick at both Jacky J. and me. I must’ve been out for at least 20 minutes. But I woke up to the worst sight I’ve ever seen in my life. Villagers cheering Steve on like he’s some sort of hero for almost killing me.

Gertrude’s Encounter with Jacky Jane and Steve

Ludi Littleland2 Comments

As I was following my map, I noticed I was passing other people on the trails headed in the same direction. I said, “not today fellas” and destroyed everyone that crossed my path, assuming that they were after the sword as well. I guess not only was everyone in the mood to get the sword today, but everyone was in the mood to ruin me- especially Jacky Jane. Jacky Jane was ferocious. She tried using every single weapon she had on me and I did the same thing back to her. It seemed like a never-ending battle until Steve came along to ruin everything. Steve is like the town’s local hero or whatever they call him. He tried to be a peacemaker and everything telling us that we need to stop fighting because it’s affecting other innocent people or something like that. But of course I wasn’t going to listen to Steve, so I kept fighting Jacky Jane because that witch was in my way.

Gertrude’s Idea

Ludi Littleland1 Comment

I was just taking my daily stroll in the deep dark forest and decided that it was a beautiful day to do something evil. I thought to myself, “no one has ever dared to go after the golden sword”. Legend has it that the sword holds enough power to give the holder whatever he or she wants. I want to rule the world, so why haven’t I thought of going after the sword earlier? I then decided to pack some necessary things before I head out on my journey.

Big Daddy

Ficille Chapkins1 Comment

I told Margo that I’m her mother today. It kinda just happened. I didn’t really expect to enjoy spending time with her as much as I am. She seems to have forgotten that I abandoned her baby ass LIKE A BOSS. So that’s cool. Maybe we can start a new life. I guess I should prolly tell her that her real father is Thanos. But I feel like you never come back from learning something like that. Anyways, things have been pretty good. Think I’m gonna bippity boppity boop this planet to desolation maybe. Feeling cute, might delete later YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN. Ahah man I love being me

i have peelings.

Ficille ChapkinsLeave a comment

Man, I am the greatest spellboi. I conquered the entire Milky Way with one WINGARDIANLEVIOSAH! Now I’m the President of the Milky Way. It’s not a real position but everybody seems to go along with it. Must be my intimidating hairdo. Oh yeah btw my daughter showed up today. She actually ain’t that bad. She’s pretty like me and she is a total bitch…also like me. Today she helped me score 10 free movie tickets after we whined about the theater being too cold. AHAHAHAHA. God I love feeling the adrenaline flow through my luscious veins. I threatened to sue and she threatened to rip off the manager’s handlebar mustache. It was fun. Gotta say I look good in this stache. I was gonna use her powers to manipulate every civilian on No Name Planet but I guess this ol’ grinch is having those things that normal people have. What are they called? Peelings or something?