Category: Trouble in the Tri-state

The life of a wizard cowboy such as myself takes you by the reins. The days are long… and the nights are even longer, full of danger to be wrassled, and drinks to be drunk. I woke up one fateful day just like any other. Hungover. Groggy. Droolin’ on my kitchen table like a lion in a Spam factory. I knew I needed some hangover cure… and quick. I saddled up my faithful horse, and like a jackrabbit in a sandstorm we galloped on over to my favorite pharmaceutical company… or at least that’s what I think it is. I went to the counter and pick up my favorite hangover cure. Absinthe. The only way to cure a hangover is by drinking more. On my way outta there I heard some type of commotion. I come ’round the corner to where I tied up my trusty horse and there! Like a fox in a hen house I see a boy tryin’ to take what’s mine for his own. He noticed my trusty magic gun hangin’ on my hip like a sloth on a branch, and went to back away. Not many folk have the guts to mess with good ol’ Flint Radaghast. I respected that. From that day forward, I knew I needed someone that gutsy on my side.

To be clear, it’s me, Robin.

Well, this day could not get any worse. Not only did I discover that my brother is a homicidal arsonist, but right after he vowed to change, that stupid celestial murdered him!! I’m super sad and pissed off, so Flint suggested we go on a mission to take my mind off of it. This one should be easy. We picked up a call about a bar fight going down. We just gotta get in there and stop these guys from hurting each other. Piece of cake.

Alright, so we just pulled up and I told them to quit fighting or we’ll haul them off to jail. They stopped fighting, which is good, but now they’re just staring at me. It’s making me uncomfortable. Oh shit, one of them just pulled a pistol out of nowhere. Oh shit, he’s pointing it at me and–

Today, evil will meet its maker. As I record this, Flint Radaghast and I are about to bust into the evil lair of the arsonist who has been burning down buildings across the Tri-State Area. And here we go!

Wow, big surprise ladies and gentlemen! It’s Magnus Nimbus, the mayor! Who would have gues–

Hey guys; it’s me, Robin. I’m back. Macix didn’t realize I was in his backseat the whole time. This reveal got me so emotional that I was able to retake my body. I just can’t believe my brother could have committed these atrocities. I am absolutely shocked. But it seems like now that he realizes I am alive again, he is ashamed of what he’s done. He’s just explained his reasoning; I suppose being a garden gnome would make anyone go a little crazy. He’s vowed to be a hero like me, and we’re hugging it out now–

How DARE you try to reclaim your vessel? My work is NOT finished yet! Take THIS, Nimbus! See this, this is your heart! You know what else it is?? Your DINNER!!!

There we go. Now my purpose is fulfilled. Have your lame body back.

You may be wondering how Robin is posting on social media. He was gunned to death two months ago.

First, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Macix, and I am a celestial spirit. My celestial ancestors, who value their arbitrary moral code over punishing evil, have abandoned me, causing my magic to become corrupted. Let me tell you, it’s much cooler that way anyway — I now have the power to possess the dead. But it only works if I’m invited into the body via an incantation or spell.

Today, Flint Radaghast decided to raise his poor sidekick from the dead. But the old fool makes a better cowboy than wizard. When he fired his magical bullet at the corpse, his wish was only partially fulfilled. The body was reanimated, but Robin did not come back. Instead, I have taken control of this mortal vessel. I assure you, the boy you know as Robin is NO MORE. Now there is only MACIX, evil’s worst nightmare.

For whatever reason, Radaghast was really pissed off that I possessed this vessel. This bewilders me, because I am very much a preferable alternative to that kid. I was frankly insulted that he would rather have a petty thief turned superhero wannabe than the HARBINGER OF DEATH. But when we heard screaming outside, heroism kicked in for both of us, and we immediately forgot our dispute. We went outside to find that the sheriff station was on fire! We evacuated the building, and with some pointers from me, Radaghast was able to transform his pistol into a Super Soaker and douse the flames.

The two of us have now become partners to bring punishment to whomever has done this. We are currently investigating the station for clues. I don’t know who did this, but if you’re reading this, let me make you a promise: we WILL find you, and I WILL feed your heart to you.

My name is Robin, and I’m the latest and greatest superhero! Let me tell you a bit about my origin story.

Life wasn’t easy growing up. My parents were basically big jerks. For some reason they shunned my older (and only) brother, Magnus! They made him act as a garden gnome! So basically, I didn’t have anyone to look up to. This led me to a life of petty crime. I’m not exactly proud of this, but I did what I had to do. So one day, this strange cowboy character parks his horse at this building called Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated and goes inside. I think it’s a pharmaceutical company, idk. While he was inside, I decided to steal his horse so I could sell it for some cash. I started untying the rope. But let me tell ya, this guy knows how to tie a knot! I almost had it when Mr. Cowboy walked back out and saw what I was doing. I noticed a pistol at his hip. Now I was scared for my life. But the cowboy didn’t harm me. He told me to back away from his horse and introduced himself as Flint Radaghast.

No. Way! The legendary quick-drawing wizard! Naturally, I apologized my ass off. He accepted my apology and offered to show me a better life than thievery. I accepted his offer, and he dubbed me his sidekick! After a bit of preliminary training, he told me the best way to learn is to just get out there and give it a shot!

So here I am, on my very first mission with Flint, voice recording this post. Some jerk is robbing the bank with a machine gun! This is totally awesome! We’re gonna kick his butt! Uh-oh. I think my voice recording may have tipped off our position! He’s pointing that machine gun at me. But little does he know that Flint has a totally wicked magical bullet bound with a disarming spell! Flint whips out his pistol faster than lightning and BLAM! For some reason, this lady’s service dog just started speaking English. Wait a minute, that gun didn’t disappear like it was supposed to, and it’s pointed at me, and–