The Worst Weekend

Well, my great night of game-winning shots quickly turned into the worst few days of my LIFE. I didn’t tell anybody about the murder, but the cops found out somehow that my mom was the one who murdered Nadine. She was quickly taken from our house and put behind bars. I can visit her, but she’s not getting out of JAIL for a long time.

As for my basketball career, it’s over. After the town found out what my mom did, my coach wants nothing to do with me. So he, of course, kicked me off the team. All I wanted to do was play basketball, and you know what? My mom AND Nadine ruined that for me, and I am going to find a way to make everybody’s lives miserable because of it.

Now, I’m just the tall, lanky, creepy kid with a murderer for a mother, and I still don’t get to play basketball. NICE.

Background music until 0:56.

Ouch.

The happiness that I felt was gone in two seconds when I took one look at Nadine. She was fuming and strolled out onto the court and looked at me, then whipped out a check signed by my mother. She looked me dead in the eye and said, “If only you actually had real talent and not mommy’s money, maybe then you would get to play all the time.”

I was so pissed that my mom actually did this, so now not only am I the creepy kid, but also I’m the creepy kid who gets mom to pay my way into things. I got so angry that I went up to Nadine and told her to shut her big, FAT mouth and that she will regret showing everyone the check. I ran out of the gym and to the parking lot. My awesome day slowly turned into a nightmare. My mom followed me out of the gym and rants to me, telling me that Nadine will never do that to me again. I’m so mad that she signed that stupid check that I don’t even look at her when she’s talking to me.

Some background on my mom: she’s scary. Like, VERY scary. After her rant, she told me that she needed to take a walk to get some fresh air, which was conveniently right after Nadine left the gym. Knowing my mom, I followed her. 

After following my mom for a couple of blocks, I see that she is trailing Nadine. What is she going to do? Then I saw it. My mom swung her huge, heavy purse at Nadine, and it knocked her out cold. She stopped breathing. Holy SHIT, she stopped breathing.  I saw Nadine murdered right in front of me. I can’t believe my mom is capable of doing this… That damn Gucci purse. I hid behind a tree on the sidewalk and waited to see if my mom passed me. 

I knew I had to get out of there. Do I tell somebody? Call the police? Talk to my coach? I had so many questions and it was making me go insane. Once I couldn’t see my mom any longer, I bolted. I made my way to my house and paced my floor. This couldn’t be happening. After spending a lot of time thinking, though, I knew I couldn’t tell anybody. 

Nadine, You’re Stupid.

After warming up and checking out the crowd, there were a couple of minutes left before we started… and my dream finally came true. My coach took a quick glance at my mom then called my name. I was going to be STARTING in one of the biggest games in school history. ME! I threw my warmup off and got onto the court and man did the crowd look shocked… I think there were a couple of gasps. Everyone is just stunned that the CREEPY freshman is actually going to play. Then, something amazing happened. I actually scored. My jaw dropped as the ball went into the hoop. My teammates looked surprised but then gave me high fives and patted me on the back, which is incredibly weird because they don’t even like me.

Throughout the game, we are neck and neck with the other team. With the last couple of seconds left on the clock, my coach calls a timeout. He draws out a play that will have us winning with a second left… my only job? To stay out of the way.

We run the play and, somehow, the ball ends up in my hands and I shoot. I made the game-winning shot! I have never heard the crowd so loud in my life. My mom was clapping and actually looked happy for once. Unfortunately, that look quickly faded, and it’s all because of STUPID Nadine.

I’m Not Stupid

I know I’m not a good basketball player. TRUST me, I’m not stupid. My coach has made it clear to me from the very start that I was a bench warmer and nothing else.

My team has a game tonight, and I have been practicing non-stop trying to get a chance to play, and maybe it will finally be the night. I’m hoping that once I play, people will like me more and see me as a hero – instead of the tall, lanky, CREEPY kid. Not that I care what people think of me.

After school, I put some shots up in our backyard. I may sit the bench, but I’m the BEST bench warmer anyone has ever seen. Today is finally game day, and I am determined to play. After what felt like hours of getting my own shots up, I drive to the high school. This game is huge for us, and everybody is going to be watching: my mom, my teachers, and even the town gossip and team booster Nadine will be there. 

In the locker room, we get into a huddle and talk about strategy for the game. We finally head out onto the court to start warming up, and holy SHIT. The place is PACKED.

Lucky

It’s not fun being the socially awkward, annoying younger sibling. People think I’m weird when I make loud noises and emphasize my words, but they think I’m even weirder when I don’t speak at all. Compared to my older brother, I’m just the creepy child who’s forced to live in his shadow…but not for long. I am sick and tired of him and his friends calling me names and making fun of me, it’s about time I do something. This is where the story begins.

It’s after school now, about 3:30, and I walk from my middle school to my older brother’s high school, where he is playing a basketball game tonight. Or so he thinks. I casually make my way to the boys’ locker room where I see the team water bottles. I’m not saying I poisoned water bottles…but lets just say my brother and his friends will be making frequent trips to the bathroom during the game tonight. As I sneak back out of the locker room I nearly run into the head coach. He looks me up and down but doesn’t question me. I get lucky like I always do.

I can’t say the same for my brother and his friends.

Reject Sushi

Ingredients 

Fresh Fish (of your choice)

Grass

Uncooked white rice

First, find a fish. Any fish. Usually, I go to the pet store and buy a goldfish just because I like the texture the best. Take it out of the water for a bit and it will usually be ready to eat in an hour or so. Roll that baby up in some uncooked rice. I like the crunch that the uncooked rice brings to this dish and I think it has such a nice, rustic flavor to it. After the fish is thickly coated in some crunchy rice, take the fish and wrap some fine cut grass around it. I, personally, like fresh cut grass in the spring, but when I can’t find that, I go to the store and pick leaves off of plants…It works just as well. Finally, finish off with a pinch of salt, a crack of pepper and enjoy!

I’m In Love With A Meme…

Have I ever had a crush on an animated character? No, I can’t say that I have, but what I can say is that I have had a deep personal connection to my favorite meme, Bad Luck Brian.

I have spent my free time making memes for years now…and over the course of those years I have found myself relating to Brian on so many levels, it’s like I know him and have a real connection with him. That huge smile, his plaid vest, all of his bad luck, I love him! I too, could be a bad luck Brian. I sometimes feel like I have never-ending bad luck. It feels like the universe is just telling me that I can’t do anything right. I don’t mean to throw myself a pity party, but I can’t help but feel like nobody knows the true me. I know that I am not a saint, trust me, I know that cussing at children and ordering sushi every single night is not healthy and there are way better hobbies that I could take up, but it is just my way of life.

Rejects On A Road Trip – St. Paul Edition

It all started in my 1999 black Pontiac. I circled around the city of St. Paul to pick up all of my friends. By the time I picked up my last passenger, @butterbelieveitbud, it was 10:45 and we were ready to rock and roll. Our first somewhat exciting stop was the Minnesota State Fair. I had never been to such a place and man, was I excited. @rodcentpetercloth was talking about these supposedly amazing cookies called Sweet Martha’s (what kind of name is that? And who is Martha?)  After a short car ride, come to find out, the State Fair is closed for the season. I cannot believe I drove around the city to get these life-changing cookies and they are gone. I don’t know who to blame this tragedy on. While I could have looked at my passengers and started screaming at them for being so dumb, I was incredibly hungry. 

The consensus on where to eat was Black Coffee Waffle Bar, which @eutielornandez thought was a good idea. This place sounded okay and yeah, waffles are pretty good but sushi would be WAY better. After about a ten-minute car ride, we were at the restaurant. First off, the parking was AWFUL. It felt like hours after we actually found a spot that wasn’t miles away. Second, we were all cranky and in a bad mood because of the state fair incident, and Edald refused to talk to anybody. We wanted those stupid cookies and now we are all stuck at a waffle bar where, if you’re wondering, does not actually put alcohol in the waffles itself. After being bummed out about the fact that I will not be getting a vodka infused waffle, I decided to get one topped with apples and caramel. The waffle was warm and the whipped cream was a perfect topping, so I will admit that yes, it was a semi-decent waffle but it would have been a million times better with an added shot. 

After filling up at Black Coffee Waffle Bar, we started heading towards the Mall of America. Being a St. Paul native, the Mall of America is stupid. A huge mall? With the same stores on every level? Might as well have stayed at home. Being that I am an international corporate nurse, I obviously can buy my way throughout the store but what I actually, truly enjoy, is the over-hyped amusement park. Disney characters? Absolutely. Crazy parents? Love it. Screaming kids? That means more children for me to cuss at. This was by far the best part of our hopeless road trip and I really hope we get to go back…one day.

Hubert Alman – Hobbies

Because my job is so rigorous, I only spend my free time on hobbies and passions that I truly enjoy. Cussing at children has been something I have enjoyed for a while now and it brings me joy whenever I find the time to squeeze it into my schedule. When I’m not cussing at children, I enjoy making memes and putting them on popular meme websites. The meme community is one that I am well known in and I love being a part of it.