I told Margo that I’m her mother today. It kinda just happened. I didn’t really expect to enjoy spending time with her as much as I am. She seems to have forgotten that I abandoned her baby ass LIKE A BOSS. So that’s cool. Maybe we can start a new life. I guess I should prolly tell her that her real father is Thanos. But I feel like you never come back from learning something like that. Anyways, things have been pretty good. Think I’m gonna bippity boppity boop this planet to desolation maybe. Feeling cute, might delete later YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN. Ahah man I love being me
Author: Ficille Chapkins
i have peelings.
Man, I am the greatest spellboi. I conquered the entire Milky Way with one WINGARDIANLEVIOSAH! Now I’m the President of the Milky Way. It’s not a real position but everybody seems to go along with it. Must be my intimidating hairdo. Oh yeah btw my daughter showed up today. She actually ain’t that bad. She’s pretty like me and she is a total bitch…also like me. Today she helped me score 10 free movie tickets after we whined about the theater being too cold. AHAHAHAHA. God I love feeling the adrenaline flow through my luscious veins. I threatened to sue and she threatened to rip off the manager’s handlebar mustache. It was fun. Gotta say I look good in this stache. I was gonna use her powers to manipulate every civilian on No Name Planet but I guess this ol’ grinch is having those things that normal people have. What are they called? Peelings or something?
Update
In the meantime I called up Margo. Decided to keep things light and not mention I was her mother. Made something up about her needing to “save the galaxy” or whatever. AND SHE BOUGHT IT! Pathetic, amiright? I continue to amaze myself. Her mother must be an idiot cuz the apple doesn’t usually fall too far from the picnic if you know what I’m sayin. I think I’m gonna go practice some magic spells like Harry P… Peace
Mother of the Year
As a white middle-aged American woman who loves complaining to managers, I am used to doing whatever it takes to get what I want. I abandoned my daughter on Earth when she was young. Once I realized I was a mother, I was like nah I’m good so I dipped out of that wack planet. I mean the economy was rough anyway and Thanos just became president of the US, so can you blame me? ANYWAYS, I heard recently from good ol’ Thanos that my daughter Margo is some sort of superhero…? So I sent my boyfriend to go pick her up. I could use her powers to help me score some free shit at Panera. You know what I’m talking about.
Call me thanos bc oh snap
Y’all know me. I go around destroying worlds and stuff. No biggie. When I was 2 years old I blew up my home planet because my mom didn’t cut the crust off my uncrustable. Since then I’ve sought to ruin the lives of everyone in existence. One time this turtle told me that I should destroy Earth and I was like, “Yeah, okay.” So I jumped from glenon to globnar until I reached Earth and bippity boppity boo I poofed the planet away with my sick magic wand.
But then outta nowhere the man on the moon showed up and slapped me across the face. In pure rage, I flipped my new blonde highlights out of my eyes and demanded to speak to his manager. After an intense discussion between the three of us, I could sense some deep feelings begin to fester within my cold dead heart. I fell in love with the man on the moon that day. Too bad he was in love with his manager. Life is unfair. Meh
Ficille Chapkins, PhD in Entrepreneurial Mysticism
I attended Lumière University Lyon 2 in France for four years where I learned to become an entrepreneur while also studying mysticism. I then got my PhD within another 3 years of school while merging the two subjects. I learned to create products of spiritual gain and distribute them in the most humane of ways. And yes I do grow pot in my spare time. The dankest of dank.
Ficille Chapkins
I love to kill things. I am not a traditional hunter, going around with a gun. I kill things with my mind. The other day I killed a goose just by staring at it for fifteen hours. I hate geese with an intense passion. All geese should fear me. Oh and I like to color too. I tend to color outside the lines because I’m a rebel.
Ficille Chapkins, Probationary Associate
I am an associate in Paris always being disciplined by my employer because I am in a constant state of probation. Every waking moment is shear pain and torture so it’s a good thing I got a PhD in entrepreneurial mysticism and I know how to create products that help relax the human body. It’s called marijuana. I grow marijuana. I don’t do it for the money. I do it for the good people of this earth.
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